Summer’s officially ended but knowing myself, I’ll be in denial for a while before I start to properly grieve the end of my favorite season. At least the weather is enabling my denial, with temperatures still hovering around 35 degrees every day and no signs of change anytime soon.
A few days ago I stumbled upon my birthday Instagram post from mid-May. It was written from a place of despair: I had just been rejected for a job I thought I really wanted and the remaining options (running out of money completely or taking another job that seemed less than ideal) were scaring the shit out of me. It felt like, for the first time since I was 23, my trajectory of success—by my own definition—had taken a hit, and I was moving backward. Little did I know that just two weeks later I’d get one of the jobs that initially seemed to require too much compromise from me but would end up changing my life in some considerable ways, even after just three months.
It’s weird, trying to put myself back into the headspace I occupied when I wrote that post. It wasn’t just the rejection from that one job that made me view life so negatively; I also felt abandoned by most people on my birthday, and my dwindling bank balance added immense pressure.
Or even just how I felt during the first week when I started working again. I kept thinking that I ruined my life by taking this job, simply because of how exhausted I was all the time and how I didn’t have any time or energy left for the things that were important to me.
But that gradually changed, and I barely noticed when the shift happened. As my manager reduced my office days to three first and then two, I gradually started to gain back time and attention. Now I am only tired two days out of seven which is a significant improvement. There were even a few days when I stayed up until 3 or 4 am and the consequences weren’t terrible.
The real change happened in a different area, though. Before becoming unemployed in late January, I worked 5.5 years for a company that was abusive toward me, and the work environment was incredibly toxic. During those years, I developed an outlook on work in which I thought the concept of work was evil and that it was impossible to find fulfillment through it. Just the word ‘career’ made me gag. I was burned out for more than 4 years without any break in sight, had constant panic attacks, my physical health was damaged (beyond repair, I thought), and lived with such high levels of stress that I’m honestly not sure how I survived. Looking back, it is understandable why I felt that way but that specific mentality regarding work was one of the major factors holding me back. Just like in an abusive relationship, the company brainwashed me into thinking that all jobs are the same. My thought process was that since they at least let me work full-time from home, choose my own hours, and paid me a salary that was higher than average at the time, I’d never be able to find anything better. There were also no trainings or opportunities for improvement so I didn’t feel like I was enough when I looked through job postings from time to time.
The contrast only became clear once I started my current job. I was reeling while I got used to the fact that I only had to perform assignments related to one position (the one I was hired to do), that I had a set amount of absolutely doable tasks every week, and that I was receiving actual positive feedback, even though I felt that I was only using about 20% of my capabilities.
I still think that working jobs like this (working for an employer, especially if it’s a corporation or a start-up) is a sacrifice: they give me a way to finance my life but I can’t and won’t identify with them on a deeper level. That doesn’t mean I have to hate every second of working there and resist the occasional enjoyable moment or aspect.
And the most enjoyable aspect is without a doubt that I am learning again. I knew from the get-go that I’d have to learn a lot and learn quickly but I didn’t expect that that alone would give me such fulfillment.
Learning was always what I excelled at and I felt I lost something essential when my formal education ended. The job market doesn’t usually require you to have the ‘learning skill’ with the same intensity as a school would, at least my previous jobs didn’t. But here I have to understand highly technical concepts and write about them which my brain finds extremely satisfying. Especially because I’m obsessed with technology and computers and lacking proper knowledge in some areas (programming languages, web architecture, computer networks, etc.) has always caused a kind of cognitive dissonance in me. I’m finally learning things that I think I should have learned 10 or 15 years ago but I guess it’s never too late.
I don’t want to come to any far-reaching conclusions but so far it seems like this job is in some ways compatible with my brand of ADHD which requires constant, 24/7 mental and sensory stimulation. With so much information coming my way, my brain is constantly occupied, and that’s just the most luxurious feeling for me. Everything I learn reveals another area I should master to get a deeper understanding. Endless wells of information and knowledge are also something I seek out on purpose so it’s quite pleasing that my job can provide a new source of that. Office days are still hard because I can’t stay focused for 8 hours and it’s not possible to take the kind of breaks there that I would require but other than that, there is a surprising amount of positives I can work with. There are some negatives, too, of course, but I can’t write blog posts about those while I work there so that’s a topic for a day in the future.
When I started working, I thought my whole summer would go to waste and I wouldn’t be able to do anything meaningful. In a way, it’s true that work and staying sane during the first 2 months were the main focus of the season but I managed to do a few other things too, like traveling to Slovakia for a concert with my family, seeing the girl group Billlie live, spending a few days at Balaton with my friends, getting my hair cut short, and watching online concerts and concert films in the movie theater.
There’s still the looming date in early September when the company decides officially if my contract becomes open-ended after the 3-month probationary period comes to an end. I’ve only received positive feedback so far but I’m still a bit anxious with this coming up. I feel like I’m finally starting to find my place within this new life and don’t want it to end right now, I want to see how far I can go.
It was an eventful summer, one I hope to look back on as a turning point someday. Perhaps more changes are on the horizon? I’ve long disliked seasons other than spring and summer, but maybe I’ll find things to appreciate about fall too. I recently noticed that I always have something to look forward to, even if it’s just something small. If every season is filled with these excitements, maybe I can like them again. I don’t think it’s the seasons that changed but I did - and for the first time in forever I’m not so sure if that’s a bad thing.
35 degrees is definitely way too hot for me! Unless I am somewhere shady and breezy or with air con, haha. I'm happy for cooler weather, but the darker days are depressing me and I'm currently living in fear of spider season (already had one run along the carpet and then on the sofa in front of me 😭😅).
Your old place sounds so toxic - I'm glad you got out eventually. Even in companies that are better (like, my workplace is generally good and I really like working with my colleagues), I still try to remind myself that work isn't my life and I *really* should try to avoid doing overtime, because I don't get paid for it.
I'm happy to hear that your new job has been going well and that you're able to work more from home now. Definitely sounds like being at home lets you have the routine that works best for you! Best of luck passing the probationary period too. It does sound like everything you're getting to do and learn is really positive, but I can totally understand the nervousness anyway. It's also kind of interesting to hear how this works in other companies, as for my place it's 6 months, but I assume these kinds of things are likely to differ by country and industry, and whether a company is small or large, start-up or not, etc.
Another thoughtful blog post - thanks so much for sharing ❤️
Remembered something else I wanted to mention. That about panic attacks and mental and physical health issues when in wrong environment/social circle. Recently saw somewhere on the internet someone saying, that the body knows and understands better than we do, if things are not right. I'm starting to think this to be very true.
It also reminded me of how years ago, when I lived with a boyfriend, I constantly had a fear of out flat being broken into, although that fear was completely groundless because we had a reinforced door with a stronghold like lock and lived on an upper floor. It was a safe flat.
And as soon as I moved into my own solo flat after breakup, that fear was completely gone and I felt at peace. The boyfriend wasn't abusive, at least not physically, but I think I instincitively knew he didn't actually much care for me for the last few years we were toghether, and that gave me that irrational fear. The body knew and kept sending signals that we (as in me and my body), aren't well in the space we were at, in that relationship with that person. Much like you with your old job.